Focusing on Your Own Recovery

I’m so triggered right now and to put things back into perspective (or at least into a reasonable state of rationality) I need to write this post. I have previously written about this on my Instagram but it went away down my “feed” and was fairly ignored (it wasn’t but still.) 

Today’s post is about focusing on your own recovery. 

Mental illnesses can be extremely easily triggered, especially with the haunting, manipulative voice of an eating disorder in the front off your consciousness. When you have an eating disorder, you not only take part in a slow suicide, but you also begin to set this off in other people who are suffering or have a weakness within them that may cause them to begin suffering/struggling. 

My anorexia is severely competitive (at least internally, as I am monitored, much to my disgust) and I am very easily triggered. I obsess over comparing. I make sure to feed other people and I HAVE to eat less than other people in every situation… The list is endless. 

But this means that I plummet into a depressive, self loathing state at the slightest thing. And I do horrible things to myself, and I regret every moment that I have nurtured myself and attempted recovery. My body swells before my eyes, and a day that might possibly have been clear (as in body dysmorphia was not completely overwhelming my sight in the mirror this morning), is suddenly a day of physical pain at disgust for my very being. 

If you are anything like me, which I desperately hope you are not, you will know how hurtful this can be. 

Well I’m here now to be the biggest hypocrite and tell you: you must focus on yourself. 

We are all different, in a billion different ways: from cultures to genetics to environment. We have different body shapes and metabolisms and minds. Some of us are more closely monitored than others. Some of us are more vulnerable to health complications than others. 

This is okay. More than okay: it is essential and beautiful. 

Just like you. You are beautiful. You matter so much, you are worth recovery, you can do it and you can get through it because you are so immensely strong even if you aren’t aware of it now. 

Don’t allow other people to drag you down. You are your own person and you do not have to destroy yourself to compete with them: whether that be restricting and losing weight with an eating disorder, self harming more or deeper, wishing on anxiety attacks to prove you have a problem, holding in your smile in depression to follow society’s stereotypes. There are so many triggers and so many repercussions of this, and if you cannot over come this you are completely not weak. It will take time but you have that darling . This is something that will improve your life immensely and is worth sticking with. 

My days fluctuate, my fighting strength or negative emotions, and so will yours but it is fighting on the worst days that will bring you the most benefits. 

You can do this. You matter. You you you, focus on you.