Update.

  Hello, blog!

Firstly, many apologies for leaving the blog so abruptly on such a cliff-hanger as to whether I was being admitted to inpatient for the second time. I can gather that you assumed correctly (if you did notice my absence), that I was admitted on the 19th of March.

I have been wanting to do an update for so long, but have always felt so swamped. Swamped with my new schedule of education, meal times, rest times, therapy and family meetings. Swamped with the amount that I am eating now and all of the planning and timing of that, swamped with the feelings and struggles of recovery, but also, gladly, swamped in the sheer amount of things that have happened both bad and GOOD. Things that I never imagined I’d have been able to do just a few months ago, that I now do so regularly.

I’m typing this out on the 7th of May on my first ever two nights home leave! I can’t particularly say how well it will go tomorrow on my first technical 24 hour period at home, but I can certainly hope that it does go well for me, NOT for Anorexia. I have planned it out with the dietician before coming home, as I do each week, stating exactly what I will choose for each meal in order to make up the calories in my meal plan so hopefully there will be zero chances for it to worm it’s way in and ruin the weekend (as it sadly did a few weeks ago, but that is another story).

 

I’m unsure how much to include in this update. I’ll keep things brief, but I will just say that perhaps there is a trigger warning on the post? Please, just be mindful this is an update on my life with Anorexia Nervosa (and indeed other mental illnesses) and that I won’t be going into loads of detail with numbers etc and will be sensitive, but I am still in the early stages of my second inpatient hospital stay.

 

I was admitted 51 days (or 7 and a half weeks) ago to the Evergreen Centre in Middlesbrough for the second time (this is where I was first admitted around 2 and a half years ago, where I stayed for around 6 months before leaving very quickly  in let’s just say difficult and unforeseen circumstances). The centre is nearly 3 hour’s drive each way from where I live (which certainly challenges leaves, and means that a lot of meals are spent travelling, and the amount of time spent at home is often a lot more than I am comfortable with because of the sheer distance). I was admitted in a wheelchair, which I couldn’t believe, and after around a month in it I am now barely out of it. I don’t particularly know why, other than my metabolism RACING into gear again, but I have actually only gained a maximum of around 1.5kg so far after losing for the first few weeks despite genuinely sticking to my meal plan as much as I could and not exercising (at all, which is so incredibly difficult as before I was admitted it was a real problem and addiction). The expected amount that I should have gained in this time is 3.5 to 7kg. My meal programme has just been increased for the 5th time though so, you know, working on it.

 

I’ve been battling so hard since my admission and now I have ever so much more clarity than I can even remember. Being in the depths of a relapse or your original disordered eating/ exercise regimes damage you more than you can ever know. When you are in that moment you are so far from yourself, and so desperately far from well. In the moment, you are so deep in your disorder that you don’t even realise what you are doing to yourself until intervention steps in to literally save your life.

 

(I’m going to have to take a break now. It’s taken me months to actually have the strength to write this post and now my concentration level has reached its peak and I can’t really remember what I am typing.)

 

I’ve came back to this a week later (15th May) and over the last week things have been so incredibly difficult after an admission to the ward (big long story behind this and my past etc that I can’t really bear to explore now). I’ve been in a constant state of panic attacks and sobbing and falling backwards and am now at home, struggling so much with my diet but trying so hard to make it a positive experience.